Tuesday, July 28, 2015

A Visit from Dr. Dium

Dear Dr. Dium,

I think my girlfriend is seeing another man! The other day I was at the store and I saw her holding hands with someone I don’t know how or why she could do this to me! I’m so upset! I want to KILL that guy! I thought she loved me! 

What do you think I should do



Dear Jeffery,

Heaven spare me this madness.

For future reference, my blind acquaintance, there is a key on your keyboard two keys to the left of the shift key you seem to favor so much. On it there is an angle over a dot. If you press it, it will create the marking we call a period. In other countries they call it a full stop. It looks like this: . I don’t even want to discuss your utter ignorance of my good friend, the question mark. Your excess of exclamation points only discredits you, and I can only hope you learn to type properly soon.

Did it ever occur to you that there should be more evidence than this simple scenario to cause you to think thusly? Surely if your girlfriend was seeing another man she would have slipped up in her texts or emails or conversations. She would have had unexplained activities at night, mysterious phone calls, perhaps unexpected gifts. Were this a serious relationship the evidence would eventually come forth.
In that case, you should be patient and see what happens.

At any rate, if she is no longer interested in you then she will call off the relationship as soon as possible. People do not cling to objects that have no sentimental value to them. For example, as soon as I am done writing this epistle, your letter will be going straight down the shredder.

Surely you also considered that perhaps this was not a romantic interest? In complete truth, females require the confidence of touch much more than their male counterparts. Perhaps this man was a father, brother, or close cousin. These are all people she would not love romantically (one would hope) but still might hold hands with in public because she holds affection for them.

In all likelihood there must be some logical explanation because if you are in love as you say then she would not have done this to you. If she did, then I can only recommend ending your relationship and making sure you do not see her again soon.

On a side not, as a professional I do not recommend killing anybody. Unless you are James Bond (which I know you are not, because his interpretation of girl trouble is the times when his girlfriends or wife are slain) it is illegal. And even if you were James Bond you would require a very good reason.

In fact, if I recommended killing someone my own business could be put in jeopardy. Therefore you mustn’t.

As a recap, unless you have seen more evidence than your girlfriend holding hands with someone else, it is very likely that your girlfriend still loves you and there is no need to kill anybody.

What would I do? I would get all the facts straight before coming to people like me and wasting their time. But then again, I can only expect people with brains to do that.


Dr. Orpheus Dium